


Six Kids and Counting

by CrownedinIvy



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Dick Grayson Being a Little Shit, F New 52, No proofreading, POV First Person, Pre-New 52, Stand Up Comedy, Tim Drake Being a Little Shit, we die like mne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23380579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrownedinIvy/pseuds/CrownedinIvy
Summary: Tim and Dick sign Bruce up for a Charity stand up performance and trick him into doing it.Bruce is supposed to talk about what its like to be a billionaire, but instead rambles about his kids.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 273





	Six Kids and Counting

“So tonight's supposed to be about telling you all what it's like to be rich and famous. I’m not going to do that, but not for the reasons you all think. It's’ not because I blew off preparing for tonight. It’s entirely because of my children. 

Those little assholes signed me up for this fundraiser and spent the last 6 months making sure I didn’t know I was going to be here. I literally found out what the hell was going on when I walked backstage, expecting to find my daughter with a sprained ankle and instead was ushered into make-up and wardrobe. So instead of talking about being rich and famous, I’m going to tell you all about my kids. 

As many of you may already know, or have figured out from my introductory rant. I’m a father, in fact I recently became a father. For the sixth time. That’s right, I have six kids. People sometimes act like I’m unaware of the fact that having six kids is a little odd. I’m fully aware that having six kids is not the norm; I didn’t plan on having one kid, let alone six. 

Now anyone with a passing knowledge of my life will probably jump in and say, “But Bruce you adopted” I know!! That doesn’t make them any less my kids. People have this insane idea that adopting kids is somehow different that bringing your kids home from the hospital. Guess what: Not accurate. In both cases, you’ve just been handed a small person and are now totally responsible for keeping them alive and somehow have to convince them to grow into a good person. It’s hard. 

Now most people just in passing look at my kids and think I’ve been adopting from all over the world. Not true all of my kids are from Gotham, one way or another. Do you people have any idea how shitty the American foster care system is? And how much worse it is in a city where people regularly dress up as childish characters and attempt to commit mass murder?

When I was first granted custody of my eldest Richard, who goes by Dick--I did not pick the nickname--He was ten years old and I picked him up from a juvenile detention center. Not because he’d committed a crime, but because there was no room available for him in an existing foster home and his extended family were deemed unable to care for him because they were a circus. What that actually means is that social services can’t do regular housing checks because they never stay in one place for too long and is a load of garbage. Seriously juvenile detention is supposedly better than staying with people who love and cherish him? It's insane!

My second son, Jason, was never placed in juvenile detention, though I know for a fact that he was a juvenile delinquent. I know this because when I met Jason, he was stealing the tires off my car. I wasn’t approved to foster another child just then and since at the time I wasn’t allowed to adopt Richard, because sexism is another rampant issue with social services, I allowed him to be placed in another foster home, temporarily. That foster home also doubled as a child slavery ring. So getting custody was made very simple by the fact that Batman literally tore apart a good chunk of the foster care system. I miss Jason everyday.

My third son, who is really my third youngest, but I got custody of him before I managed to steal his elder sister, is Timothy. Many people tried to make out when I adopted Tim, that I did so because he stood to inherit Drake Industries and all the property of the estate next to mine. This is patently false, because I first got custody of Tim while his father was still alive, but comatose and the social worker he had been assigned, thought placing him in a home as close to his real one would be beneficial. 

I am not here to disparage the characters' of Jack or Janet Drake but I will say this: Jack should never have regained custody of Tim. He did so by throwing his money around, which truly disgusts me. What? You think the Billionaire can't have moral hang up about using donations to sway people’s opinions? So do my PR and legal teams. 

My eldest daughter, Cassandra’s adoption into our family is another great example of discrimination in our system. Because when I first tried to gain custody of Cassandra, I was told that a single man couldn’t raise a daughter. Since I was determined to gain custody, I elected not to press charges for the discrimination and spent the next year and a half funding her education and visiting her when her foster family allowed. Eventually, Cassandra was assigned a new social worker and I swooped in and had custody by the next morning. 

My youngest son, Damian, was probably the 2nd most typical introduction into our family. His mother showed up, in trouble, and dropped him off. Where his introduction to the family differs is that my Ex left him with instructions to kill his siblings. Naturally Tim and Richard were offended by Damian’s attempts on their life, but Jason and Cassandra found them adorable. That’s probably concerning and might be a slight against me, but thankfully I can blame their other parents. 

My youngest, of all my children, Helena, was the only child of mine who’s birth I was aware of. I was so aware of it, that I was able to walk into the delivery room while she was being born. I promptly passed out, but I was at least in the building for the birth of my youngest child, which I can’t say about any of my other kids. 

That said I have been in the hospital with all my other kids. There’s a joke that ER nurses tell young parents when they bring their son to the emergency room for the first “Congratulations, it’s officially a boy”. This is more true with my sons than I think with most people’s.My boys have no fear of heights, no respect for property damage, and little self-preservation. Dick would swing from chandeliers and of course all the others couldn’t deal with being shown up. Tim taught himself to drive as an 11 year old and would go out joyriding and naturally Damian with his need to be the best attempted to do the same thing.

My daughters, thankfully, are less danger prone. That could change, Helena’s only a year old. But at least Cassandra doesn’t seem to suffer the same stupidity as her brothers. I’m seeing my eldest glare at me from backstage so to prevent a coup, I’ll tell you that she does get into the same sorts of shenanigans as the boys, she just doesn’t get hurt. So boys, be more like Cassandra. 

Before someone else gets upset, I don’t have a favorite child. You all annoy me equally. Dick you’re an over energetic puppy and still eat children’s cereal even though you're an adult. Jason smoking causes lung cancer and I wish I could still hug you at night. Cassandra, you have way too much fun making people uncomfortable and scaring them. Tim, you skipped school way too much and “caffeine benders” are just as bad as regular benders. Damian, you do not need any more animals; no one besides an actual farmer needs as many animals as you have right now. Helena, sweetie, you’re still young enough that most of your flaws aren’t within your control yet, but your puppy dog eyes are already killing me. 

Thank you all for listening to me ramble about my kids. Support your local foster children and adopt local. Have a good night!"

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this at work while manning a screening station. Nobody is here so I needed a laugh. 
> 
> Wash your hands!!!!


End file.
